By Edward (Eddie) Pickett III, Senior Associate Dean of Admissions and Director of Recruitment
Dear Parents and Guardians of High School Juniors and Seniors,
If your student is in their second half of high school and thinking about college, I’d like to start by congratulating all of you! You have helped your child reach a pivotal moment and that is no easy feat. Your family has persevered with all the distractions and challenges thrown your way and your student’s.
As I reflect on my life, my dad had a first-year college student (me!), three in high school, one in middle school, and one in elementary school when he was my age. While I’m not a parent, as a former high school counselor and the oldest of six siblings in a blended family, I’ve contributed to many “villages” that helped raise a child. I can’t give you advice on raising your child but based on my 15 years in the profession, I share the tips below for the college process that will help you maintain a great relationship with your child. Side note: this is the last time I’ll write “child” because they are becoming young adults who will gain more responsibilities in the very near future.
Schedule one or two nights a week dedicated to discussing their college process. This is the most useful tip I can provide because constant questions about college can be misconstrued as the only thing you care about. Come to an agreement with your young adult that you will discuss college only on these days, and you must respect the boundary by resisting the urge on other days. Simply put, you want home to be a place of comfort, not interrogation.
Your job at family gatherings (think Thanksgiving) is to help protect your young adult from incessant questions about their college search. They are already feeling pressure from multiple fronts. Your young adult doesn’t need the added stress of well-meaning family members asking about this very personal – and intense – process. Here are a few good ways to deflect while still being respectful of the family:
- “He/She/They are still in the search phase, and we as parents are very proud of the work he/she/they have done so far.”
- “We haven’t seen you/your family in so long, [insert young adult’s name] lives in this college process daily, so let’s catch up on life outside of the college process. What’s something you’ve done for fun lately?”
Be open to exploring a variety of colleges and universities. Just because the name of the college is unfamiliar to you, it doesn’t mean it’s not a great institution that will help your young adult thrive during and after college. When your young adult approaches you to talk about a college you’ve never heard, be open to listening and watching as their excitement level grows. In my own college search, the name and location of Pitzer College was unfamiliar to me until the fall of my senior year. Pitzer remained unfamiliar to my dad until we stepped on campus in the spring of that year. However, the education I received at the Claremont Colleges has catapulted me into multiple management roles, and even a board room, by the age of 35.
Talk about finances in the fall of their senior year. What a great opportunity to teach them about adult finances through the college process. They don’t need to know the exact dollar amount you’re comfortable spending per year, but a range of your comfort level will be helpful to understand. Be realistic with them in the fall instead of just saying, “We’ll figure out the money part.” This will also help you avoid pulling the rug from under them in late spring of their senior year due to finances. That conversation in April can easily sour the positive relationship you’ve spent nearly 18 years building. My advice is to Google search “[insert college name] Net Price Calculator,” to get a price estimate for the colleges on their list and discuss the results. The results shouldn’t stop them from applying to the college, but it may be a great time to discuss if the finances might be a stretch. The net price calculator can also help decide if a binding Early Decision round is an option at that college. Here are the two financial aid calculators for Pomona College.
Become the passenger and let your student be the driver. I recognize this generation isn’t in a rush to get a driver’s license, so this is metaphorical since you may be the physical driver. From my prior observations as a high school counselor, this is the hardest part for most parents because you’ve been the decision-maker for many of their major milestones. My advice, instead of giving answers or directives, is to ask them additional questions so they can ponder the best answer for themselves at this juncture in life.
As a seasoned adult (HA!), I know all the parent missteps during this process are coming from a genuine place of love and wanting your young adult to succeed; however, they may not view it the same. I give you these tips because these will establish that you trust them. Therefore, your young adult will leave for college knowing they have your full support and love as they embark on unknowns that college will bring their way.
Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy the last summer with your student as a young adult. There is a study that shows the diminishing amount of time that parents spend with their kids from 0-18. You can only imagine how small that may become once they leave your house, so don’t forget to cherish these times while you have them!
With Love and Respect,
Edward “Eddie” Pickett III
P.S. If you are a student reading this, don’t forget to tell your parents “I love you,” daily… that goes a long way for them.
P.P.S. Also, if your parents can help pay for college, remember to say “Thank you,” because not everyone has that same opportunity and support.
